So much to pen down yet dont know where to start.

Background:

I got into crypto in late 2016 and traded my way to great success during the bull run and subsequent crash of the crypto markets. I was daytrading stocks previously and used my scalping techniques to turn a 30k account to 400k (in 2018 Aug). Always traded solid setups with set risk, even journalling down my trades. By 2018 Sep, I wiped 150k from dabbling in some stocks and another 100k from trying to gain back my losses through trading crypto. I called it quits in late 2018. Subsequently over 2019 and start of 2020, I would dabble in crypto trading on several occasions. I refilled my crypto account on Bitmex with 30k on 3–4 occasions , only to have it wiped out everytime after a few trades. My personal assets by early 2020s was around 30k + 100k invested in a biotech company. When covid hit, the biotech company doubled and I cashed out my equity. I also managed to make 50k from trading oil options during the crash and subsequent recovery of the oil markets. I was sitting on around 300k in networth. I was starting to look at the property market, wanting to put that aside as an investment. Never really got down to doing that because of the covid measures. Then started to dabble back in stocks, feeling that I had spare cash to throw around. Over Apr to May, I managed to lose 100k shorting equities. In June, I got back to the drawing board and carved out a plan to daytrade as how I used to to grind back my wins. It was going well, I grinded about 2k/day and grinded back 40k in a month. Just when I started to get a hang of it, one of my daytrades which I held for longer than I should started ripping higher, I kept adding to it and then eventually had to close it out for a 50k loss. By this juncture, I was done. Effectively down to 150k in net assets.

Bitcoin 2020

In Sep, I started looking at charts again and reading analysis of the cryto markets — Bitcoin looked bullish, really bullish setup technically. I decided to set 100k aside (50k for trading bitcoin, 50k for hodling bitcoin). I turned my 50k into 75k trading it in 2 weeks, caught the bottom at 10.5 and rode it up. I was feeling in tune with the market, it was just like back in 2017. Then came the fateful night, I was scrolling through YouTube to learn more about cryto asset valuations — I was getting really interested in crypto assets and associated valuation models. Stumbled across a video that was recommended to me by Youtube — a podcast by Chamnath, who I was listening to previously in the morning. He had a bitcoin giveaway! All you had to do was to send him btc and he would send you double what you sent. Amazing. It was a limited 2000btc giveaway and clock was ticking for the ones who managed to send first. I sent 3btc (worth 50k at that time, worth 74k at time of writing). Needless to say, I found out that it was a scam. My heart sunk so deep, that helplessness was indescribable. I just managed to turn my 50k to 75k through my trading and then lost almost all due to a scam in 5mins. I couldnt understand why this was happening to me, why did I deserve this. I consider myself to be a very skeptical and rather savvy person. If I heard anyone falling to such a scam, I would have laughed at them for being stupid and gullible. But this happened to me. After all my trading losses the last 2 years, I finally found success again in this — only for it to be taken away from me. It took me a few days to get over it. I told myself I had to get over it, I was going to prove to the scammer that you can take it from me but I will make it back. And I did. I restarted my journey with 30k on 10th Oct and after 2.5 weeks I was back at 75k.

Then came one horrible trade which looking back, escalated everything and brought me down a spiral. I was long and bitcoin was falling, I remember having about my usual size of 25 bitcoins per position. When it was falling, instead of cutting it for a loss, I remember being down almost 15k on this trade at this time. I doubled down and then again on leverage. I had a 80btc position by this time and what do you know it started bouncing the next day. From 75k to 60k and then back up to 150k. I was ecstatic. I was now up +100k in profits. I didnt close it, expecting a higher move up. I was going to close it once my profit goes back to +50k. It started going lower and then accelerated. Because of my size, I just couldnt fanthom taking it off and by the time I did, I gave up all my profits and then some. I was back to 60k. But more importantly, I just exposed myself to the potential upside, thrill (and death) of leveraging. Because of that loss, I then started trading aggressively to make it back and I was doing this with very irresponsible sizing, and no regard for risk. Over the subsequent days, I was swinging 30–40k/day and ended up blowing my trading account. Not content with that, I took my ‘what was supposed to hodl investment’ as collateral to margin trade around. I was going on a death spiral somewhat knowingly but the gambler in me liked the thrill and also I wanted the challenge of making back that money. As we rolled into November, I fell deeper into the hole and then used collateral from my parents’ allocation to double up on one of my plays. As with the previous time, this was what escalated it again. I used it to double down and then when bitcoin rebounded, I was back up. I was up +80k across my whole portfolio — this seemed like awhile ago but it was just 10days ago. Over the next few days, I just started using the same strategy of going all in on each play with size. I lost back that intial stack. And then at the start of the week, bitcoin rallied and I was all in for this run. Took it off way too early, but was happy enough. I was up +50k overall. This was just two days ago. I then went short when btc was trading 17.8k was in good profit of 10k — was going to cut it once btc breached 17.9k, which meant it was likely going to 18k. And it did, I cut it at 18k, took a loss of 50k. Shorted it again at 18k, went to 18.4k, cut it for another loss of 50k. I just shut everything and within minutes it crashed to 17.2k — what the fuck. I ate a 100k loss when I could have made at least 100k. I was fine with that, because it could have easily gone up to 18.6k or 19k. I was back down to -50k in my portfolio.

Final Meltdown (-150k)

Then came the final meltdown, I relogged in this morning. Thought I would be fresh from not trading the night. I identified a setup and went long, I started at half of the usual size. It squeezed higher just as I expected it to, then I kept adding to my full size. This was when things turned haywire. It kept dipping, just kept grinding lower. And I kept adding, after all I was correct in my thesis (failing to see that it was invalidated once it passed my entry). I refused to take the loss. What was supposed to be a risk of 0.1btc trade turned into a 1btc trade, and then 2btc. I was down 40k. Closed it for the loss, and used the same size on a short. It immediately ripped higher, closed that as well. By the end of it, I lost another 120k in just one afternoon. My entire 100k portfolio got wiped, and another 65k from my parent’s. btc started ripping higher eventually, even surpassing higher than my starting entry — none with me on it because I have been wiped out.

Thoughts and Current State of Mind

Through it all, I had the mentality of wanting to make as much as possible on this current bitcoin run via trading, instead of just buying and holding my bitcoin. I was incredibly bullish on bitcoin and knew this was the run that would break 20k. It was last month that I knew I was not mentally stable, I have been in depression for awhile now, and it really took some of these big losses to really crack me. Depression really sucks, it just sucks the life out of you. No motivation to do anything, no appetite to eat, no desire to meet friends/socializing. Just lying in bed or facing the computer, trying to make my money through punting on btc prices. I have fell so far, so far from what I used to be, and even further from what I envisioned myself to be. I think at some point maybe because I was veering so far off, innately I wanted an abrupt recalibration back to that and tried to achieve that by going all in every single time. The trading pnl just started becoming numbers to me in the last month, I have become desensitized to the big swings. Anything less than 10k swing didnt even make me flinch anymore.

There are just moments where there is just an immense wave of sadness and guilt that sweeps me without even knowing why. I used to be an extremely confident person but I think the last month has really really wrecked me so hard. I wouldnt be able to recognize myself at all if it was a 29yo me looking at my current state. I have been trying to analyze why I feel this way, what brought upon this depression. I think a few factors, mainly relationship and work. Work: I have no fulfilment at work at all, I dont feel like I bring any value to the team, I dont see how much more I can progress. Relationship: I fucked up my relationship, I gave up a girl who truly loved me and I have not been able to forgive myself till today. I thought I was over it a few months after we were done. They say time heals all wounds, but in this case time really only made me appreciate her qualities which I didnt treasure back then. I havent been seeing anyone at all this year, and I dont know when I will see anyone again for that matter given the current state I am in. I would like to work on myself more first. I am now broke, depressed and just so close to giving up on life. Recently over the last week and increasingly more today, I have been entertaining very dark thoughts — what is life supposed to be, why is this happening to me when everyone is living such fulfilled lives. When I was 28, I was on top of the world — had so many plans of what I want to do and achieve. Now, I just feeling empty. Just a soul occupying this body, and for what? I want to sleep and never wake up but I cant. My parents will be destroyed. I had dreams of what I wanted to have in future — 10years down: living happily with a partner in a nice house, and trading professionally on my own, but that facade in my mind seems to have crumbled very quickly the last few days. The reality is I am 30yo now, broke and in debt of 70k. How do I get up from this? The last time I got scammed from my money, I climbed back up and grinded back all the way — only for it to be taken all from me again. Not that I have any money now anyway. I want to just throw myself into my work at this point, but I just dont feel like I have any energy left.

What now

Through this experience, I am fully aware that I am not in the right state of mind to trade. Tbh the last few days before today, I was trading well. I stayed nimble and got out quickly at levels where I thought could reverse quicky. But because of my size, the one time I stayed too long, it went haywire real quick and then all the revenge trading added up which culminated in an entire wipeout. Really, all it takes is one trade to blow up.

I think it has not fully sunk in how much I have lost. I have also yet to tell my parents what I have done with their money.The current state of affairs is that the remaining 85k is just solely invested in bitcoin. Because I have lost a big chunk of their money, I am reallocating all my long term btc holdings to them as well. If btc doubles (32k) by next June, I have some call options that will reap 170k and recoup all said losses. If it happens, great and I will be so thankful; but I am not banking on that right now. I will work on transferring back to their account bit by bit and make them whole. But I will have to break it to them at some point.

On my depression, I am planning to go to a psychiatrist, some meds and counselling should help. I have also started going to the gym more in the last week, with a personal trainer. Financially, I dont have much money now so will have to start cutting back on expenses. I think to some degree I have always attached my wealth to my status/wellbeing, and now that I have hit rock bottom — I just feel like shit. Imagine having less money than when I first graduated from college 5 years ago. Unfortunately life hits you hard sometimes to make you learn. In some sense, I guess the silver lining here is that I get to be financially broke at 30 from this compulsive trading (which turned into gambling the last few weeks). I do not want to experience this ever again, and not when I have millions to lose, with a family down the road. For now, I need to learn to be happy, to live life with an emotional detachment to the significance of money, and to learn to be more fulfilled in the present. I dont know how I am going to do it, but I guess I have to.